Is it possible to restore something that is broken into something that is usable again? Is it possible to restore something that was broken and make it even better? YEP YEP YEP...I had a washing machine many years ago in my single parent days that quit spinning. Do you know what a pain it is when the washing machine quits spinning...in the middle of a load of laundry...a 1 lb pair of jeans suddenly weighs 10 pounds, gallons of water just sitting there, socks and underwear floating in the drum (ok, I don't really wash my socks and underwear with the jeans but I'm trying to make a point here so bear with me), I didn't have the money to get a new one and really didn't have the money to get that piece of crap fixed but I had to do something, I had 2 little kids, a pile of laundry, it was summer time so they changed their clothes a billion times a day and that pile kept growing before my eyes so I called my neighbor to see if he could help me. He did some tinkering and managed to get the water drained and helped me take the heavy clothes out of the machine, did some more tinkering and just happened to have a spare part ...the same spare part that my machine needed (although I'm pretty sure the amount of time he was gone equated to the length of time it would have taken him to get to the hardware store to perhaps buy that part for me? hmm, I'll never know the real answer to that question because I'm not suppose to...I was suppose to accept that it was just perfect timing so I did). After he got done tinkering with the machine and replacing the part he started it up and ran a cycle with no clothes in it. It worked beautifully and so he had me do a load of clothes. I put some stuff in there and we ran the cycle and again, it worked beautifully..full spin, full cycle and no squeek...the squeek came with the washer when I bought it used so I noticed it's absence immediately and I praised his talents and help to the high heavens. The thing he said to me when I mentioned the absence of the squeek is that I was probably overloading the drum and slowing down the mechanics of how it was suppose to work. I learned then not to overload the drum, things come out cleaner when you do wash an a right sized load vs. an oversized one.
Somewhere along the years I guess I sort of forgot that rule, or maybe I just took it for granted that that was what I was suppose to do.
I had a head-pounding, heart-breaking reminder of this lesson just recently. The difference was that I didn't have a neighbor to call to tinker with it and fix it. This was something I had to fix myself. Only it was just myself that had to contribute to fixing this broken thing in my life, it took the contribution of my husband and God and God worked overtime for me and I'm pretty sure that my husband did too. I did "just enough" to get by and realized that I had to do more.
The 4th of July weekend was a pivotal weekend for me. (I pivot alot, gotta keep everything in perspective and that requires doing a 360 every now and then). It was the lowest point of the low points since Don moved out. I realized I was absolutely miserable. I realized that the "game face" I was wearing looked absolutely aweful on me...kind of like those women who CAKE on the make up...she might look good from a distance but if you *really* look at her you can see how fake the face is. That was me. I wearing this fake face and it was heavy and it was ugly and it hurt. It hurt deep...all the way to my heart and my gut. I went to the parade with Ashley and the boys on the 4th and opted out of going to the park for the 4th festivities because that game face was wearing on me something terrible. I walked into my house and shut/locked the door and I hit my knees. I hit my knees in prayer. I'm sure if the neighbors heard any of it they might have thought that there was an injured wild animal in my house because I just let everything go inside of me..I cried and moaned and yelled and sobbed and begged God to soften my heart and bring me restoration, I can't remember really ever feeling so very alone as I did when I dropped to my knees that I day. I prayed, I prayed in earnest for my heart, for my finances, for my kids, for my job (facing a strong possibility of a layoff) and then something inside of me rose up and I prayed for my husband. I prayed for him like I have never prayed for him before.
Despite the past blog posts and words I said out of hurt and anger and pain I love my husband. I love my husband with all of my heart. He is so much very much a part of me that loosing him was like loosing a limb. I felt numb and awkward and couldn't for the life of me "get it together." Nothing was working right without him. There was an emptiness inside of me that I can't explain and despite my futile attempts at filling it with "things" nothing did. Until I prayed. We've gone through some really hard times in our 15 years together and in my realization and honesty with myself the part that stuck out the biggest was the fact that we did it TOGETHER. So I prayed to God to soften both of our hearts, to open us up to each other in a way that we'd never opened up before. To give us the opportunity of honesty without judgement or ridicule or me taking control (grin) or fear. I asked God to help me put things into true perspective and what He showed me was me being in control and not Him. He showed me that I needed to loosen the reigns I had on myself and those I'd placed on Don. (and by the way, no this didn't all come to me as a sudden revelation, He started feeding me this baby spoonfuls the minute I realized Don was gone but it wasn't until I whispered Don's name to Him that it all became clear to me). I finally fell asleep that night with our wedding picture on my pillow. I fell asleep wishing I was with him instead alone, I fell asleep afraid that I'd lost him and just keep praying that somehow things would work out.
The next morning I got up and got ready for work and put on my game face despite the heaviness that it created in my heart. I felt as if there was nothing left to do except resign myself to living in this constant turmoil, knowing from past experience that it would lighten up a bit but it would always weigh on me.
Then I got a phone call. With information on a job lead. So I took the information and made another phone call to a former boss of mine. He told me what he had avaibable and asked me if I was interested. Trepidly I said yes. He forwarded my resume to his counterpart and told me he would be in touch to set up a telephone interview and then about 10 minutes later he called back and said they didn't need to do an interview because his counterpart was willing to take me based on my skills and on my former bosses recomnendation. He told me the job was mine if I wanted it and I panicked. I asked him if I could get back to him the next day and he said yes.
I had to have Don come over and help with somethings in the yard that evening and I mentioned this opportunity to him. I could see his heart drop into his stomach when I told him the job was in Mississippi and that I was pretty sure I was going to take it if we could come to an agreement on the terms (wages, etc). He managed to put on a fairly good and heavy game face and something inside of me crumbled. I knew that I couldn't do this without him. He'd been there with me through all the muddy mucky bad times and he deserved to be there with me in the good times and I deserved to have him by my side too. I looked him in the eye and before I knew it, the words..."Go with me" came out of my mouth. He hesitated for what seemed like forever and asked me if I was sure. I told him I'd not been so sure of anything in a very long time. That led to a very long night of God answering my prayer of softening our hearts to allow us to open us up to each other in a way that we'd never opened up before, a long sincer night of honesty without judgement or ridicule or me taking control (grin) or fear. He told me things I didn't want to hear but already knew and I told him some of my own things. We agreed that if everything fell into place with this job we would go together and no matter what we would work through our issues and well....things really started falling into place....and in these last 4 days I realized that when you overload the machine it stops working, when you distribute the load evenly and share the burden things can be restored...and while we have a lot of things to work through, our laundry's been aired and we're back on track. I'm so very excited to see what God has in store for us!
More later....I have a LOT of work to do because MY HUSBAND AND I ARE MOVING TO MISSISSIPPI - that would be (as learned in 2nd'ish grade) EM EYE CROOKED LETTER CROOKED LETTER EYE CROOKED LETTER CROOKED LETTER EYE HUMP BACK HUMP BACK EYE!
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