Battery Operated Toys

I know what you're thinking. She's single.  A single girl's gotta do what a single girl's gotta do (and I just heard my daughter say "OMG MOM!!!" LOl but it's not what you think....this is what I'm talking about and it's a crummy picture but I don't have a camera and didn't plan on doing a blog post but here I am otherwise I would have taken one outside and paired with a picture of my nice clean fence line. I have decided though before I do anymore yard work that I'm going to take pictures so that I can share my progress and having something to gage myself on.

and it's sitting in my dinning room...I don't have a dining room table/chairs anymore so why not? besides, it has to be kept on the charger because it's battery operated and this way it's ready to go when I am. 

I started in my backyard, hiding in the security between my 6 ft fence and the house...had to make sure I wasn't going to screw it up before I went to the front yard in front of the neighbors (I think secretly they're all afraid of me, I think I'm going to by enough fireworks to be able to light one each night between now and the 4th (grin) just to freak them all out (devious grin).   So back to the story...I started at the corner of the patio and the house and at first I was scared, I barely tripped the trigger and bzzzzzzz off it went, I backed off and hit it again, and proceeded to do this a couple of times and realizing it worked off I went.  I did the entire perimeter of the fence and the inside of those residual dog holes and the edge of the grass along the sidewalk and I was soooo proud of myself and feeling pretty confident and moved to the front yard.  I'd really like to meet the guy who put the fence up between me and prison boy's house because he's an idiot and I'll be happy to tell him so.  I don't even know how to describe this particular corner so i'll post pictures tomorrow night, lets just say the only way you can mow it is if you a pointy-toe show shaped mower (and you would not believe how hard it was type that!) so I've really been itching to get the weed eater in there and must kind of mow it using that.  What I didn't anticipate beneath those 2 ft long grass blades (seriously...ugh) I would find a Capri Sun pkg and that when I found it with the weedeater that chunks would go flying...good thing I had my safety goggles on (this was actually the safety topic in our staff meeting today...see I do pay attention!) because I'm afraid that had I not had them on I'd have a capri sun straw sticking out of my eye and that? that would not be fun...and I have to laugh because I can never get the straw in those stupid "boxes" without squiriting the juice everywhere but given the chance of unprotection surely I would embed it deep in my eye!  The spin velocity on this baby is amazing, I hit the box, cut in about 10 pieces and the string on the weedeater .....I need a name for it...hmmm....flung that sucker about 15 ft and it was suddenly no longer my problem (grin and a wink)  "thank you neighbors for allowing your prison bound son to "loan" it to me, I'm done with it, you can have it back now!"   So I did the perimeter of my house and the edges of the lawn and then just kind of walked around with it like I was professional landscaper and hit random weeds in the yard just because I could!

Now, 2 hours later, I'm finally getting the feeling back in my hands, that sucker has some serious vibration!

And now, 2 hours later? I'm still "high" from conquering my fear of it and doing what I've been wanting to do for 2 weeks now, eat weeds!

I know you all probably think I'm doing drugs but I promise I'm not, this was such an empowering thing for me to do. It really was.  I have a bad history with weed eaters.  I realized though as I was successfully edging the fence, etc., that I am older now. Wiser now.  I've learned to appreciate the results that come from reading directions and believe me, I read every single word on that instruction sheet...several times. 

I wanted to try and go somewhere for the holiday weekend but finances aren't where I need them to be in order to go anywhere sooooo.....wait for it........

I'm going to rent an electric edger and put a ...I don't know what to call it and the word that comes to mind is "trench" but oh lord I'm not that board nor am I though rambuctious!....border between my grass and my sidewalks.  I measured it out tonight with string and spray paint.  I used a 7ft 2x4 and laid it in the grass and made sure it was 3 fingers width from the sidewalk the entire length of the board and marked it all out with the paint (on the sidewalk side of the board).  I figure that when I go to rent it (unless one my lovely readers has one I can borrow?? 531-7377 haha) I can get the sales guy to show me how to use it.  I'm not real great at figuring out mechanical things but if you show me how, then I can do it no problem.   I'm envisioning what I want it to look like in my head....not to the extent of the visions I get when I'm getting ready to put the village up so no worries my children, I'm not on the verge of psychosis I promise hah!...and I'm seeing a border of pansies or some other pretty little flower...of which I don't know anything about but am about to learn.  I need something that can handle the direct sunlight of the afternoon because they will be in full sun from about 12:30pm until about 6:00 when the sun starts to disappear behind the trees across the street...open to suggestions here folks.??!!??  If I had truck, a winch, and cajones I'd pull the bushes out of the gardens in the front and fill it with tomatoes and peppers but I don't have any of those things to the bushes stay and I'll figure out somewhere else to plant me at least one of each of those.  I'm kicking myself for not buying a tomato plant at Walmart Saturday...they had some hearty looking plants that already had some tomatos started on them but I knew I wouldn't be able to get them in the ground before tonight so I skipped it and now of course they're all gone. There is good and bad in that....bad in that I missed out on healthy starts and fresh tomatoes for the weekend but good in that I avoided a spur of the moment purchase and actually thought it out and realized that it's all process that needs to be completed one step at a time, no cheating and now 1/2 ass'n it for me. 

So now I have a plan for the weekend that doesn't involve anyone but me and maybe Gabe because my daughter will be helping at yardsale being held as a fundraiser for a family that lost their baby boy this week...he had just celebrated his 1st birthday last weekend and his actual birthday was on Monday, he died on Tuesday...there's a pending investigation so I can say much more other than the family that is suffering the loss of this precious baby have all been cleared and he was in the care of nanny when he got hurt.  Here's some information on this fundraiser and a few others that are being held to help the family with funeral expenses, medical bills (he actually died in surgery and the autopsy revealed he died of a blunt trama to the head).  So if you're out and about please plan on going to these and take your cash, they need our help and helping others is the best work in life.

Bank account:  Sterlings Savings Bank : 9902614479 (c/o Tawney Johnson-no relation to us)
Make a donation at any branch.

https://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=210545058988552 - Information about this weekend's yardsale.  If you have things  you want/can donate contact the page administrator or let me know and I'll help to make sure your stuff makes it over there.  They're also having a bake sale in connection with this so feel free to bake up a storm and donate your goodies to a good cause.

Memorial bracelets -  navy blue w/yellow writing "Forever in Our Hearts" - being sold for $5 each or 3 for $10.   Let me know if you want one or three or 20 and I'll hook you up with the coordinator.

I believe there's a spagheti feed coming up but I can't remember the date...I'll post it when I find out when/where.

Step up people.  Think back to some point in your life when someone reached out to you and PAY IT FORWARD!!!!

...and then...the phone rings

So there I am at the Pink Party at the Pub, surrounded by a sea of pink - it was amazing to see it, practically everyone was wearing it!  The atmosphere was great, the music hadn't started yet but I'll be surprised if they'll be able to hear it over the laughter and screams of the crowd.  Shelly & Pam both looked absolutely amazing.  Drinks were flowing, the auction items were all lined up and ready for bids and a lot of bids they will get before the night is over because they had some really great donations for the silent auction and some really great ones for the live auction. I saw a few people I went to high school with and a gal from work but nobody I really knew other than Pam and Shelly and they were both having a great time. It was fun to sit and watch them interact with everyone, the hugs and smiles and yes, there were some tears as they remembered why they are doing what they are doing and for those that lost their battle and for those that are still fighting it..Pam? I gotta just say you make peach fuzz look fabulous!  I'm so proud to know both of these ladies and I felt bad for getting up and leaving before the party even really got started but...

as I sat there and watched all these things around me I felt so very very alone. Tonight was the 1st time I'd been out without Don in a very long time and when I bought the tickets it was my intention to go with him and some of our family members but that's changed now and tonight was like a sledgehammer drilling that into my head...and my heart....I just couldn't do it.  I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe and tears were threatening their way to the surface and I barely made it to my car before they spilled over.  I had to pull over when I left the parking lot because I couldn't see to drive.  I managed to quit crying and made it home and just started getting busy folding laundry and then the phone rang.

It's a rare thing for my brother Kelly to call me anymore but it was him on the other end of the phone.  I managed to get through the first minute or so and then he asked me what I was doing and I found it absolutely pathetic that I had left this great party because I was feeling sorry for myself and started crying..and I cried...and I cried...and I cried...and he just listened.  He told me it was ok to feel what I'm feeling and it's ok to cry and let the emotions that are all bottled up inside of me out and he told me I wasn't a loser but instead one of the strongest women he knows (I interrupted with "yea, I'm 10ft tall and bullet proof behind these 4 walls) and he told me that even though it doesn't feel like it right now it's all going to be ok.

Funny how siblings just pull stuff out of you...Keith called me yesterday morning and made me laugh, Trina is forever checking on me and she makes me laugh, cry, yell & scream, dance with no shoes on and keeps me in check with reality and to have Kelly call?   It was really just what I needed to release the ickiness I was feeling inside at that very moment in time.  He reminded me to take baby steps and I think it's just awesome how my brothers and my sister were there when I was taking the 1st baby steps in my life (Ok, Trina wasn't there but I was there for hers so it's only fair she's here this time lol) and even though there's been many times in my life that I didn't deserve it they've been there every step since then. I love you Kelly, Keith, and Katrina!  Thank you!

So, now I'm home, I'm going to put in a movie and fold my laundry because life goes on....

Work in Progress

That's how I feel.  I'm a work in progress.  I'm learning something new everyday, about me...about the world...about people...about sprinklers (yes, as a matter of fact I do think I'm the only person in the world that has ever had to do yardwork =D ).

I decided that after all my hard work this last few weeks I deserved to do something just for me, couldn't really afford it but sometimes you gotta say what the hey and just do it. So I went and got my hair cut and colored w/highlights. It's an amazing red with blonde highlights and I'm not quite sure if I like it or not, I think I do though and will try it for awhile and thats the great thing about a great hairdresser, if you don't like he/she can change it in a matter of a couple of hours.  Now, you might not see a big difference in the cut...ok if you do you have bionic eyes because I've worn basically the same cut for ..well since...I hate to say but since high school.  I have really thick course hair and it doesn't lend itself to many styles, my friend Terry describes it as a football helmet and the sad truth is she's right.  So anyway, that doesn't mean I can change it up a bit so here's what I did today....


This was me last weekend - 6/18/11

This was me getting the base coat...no make up...old winkle bag anyway!

Getting ready for the highlights

Taken outside when I got home to show the colors

    Me after mowing the lawn, a shower, and a little make up

Now if I could just figure out a way to get rid of the wrinkles without have to gain all that weigh back!



Diggin in and gettin it done

Pre-note:: This is MY blog and if you find typos, deal with it :)

This week has been one of major purging.  Purging (the ridding of impurities and while they might not be impurities like smog or platstic water bottles lining the ocean shores (e.g brita water filter commercials) I'm fiding impurities in things, stuff, junk, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and more stuff.  I haven't done a blog post in a few days so I thought I'd just jot down some thoughts on the things that have happened this week so next week I can look back at all I've accomplished and remember that I'm making progress.

The biggest task of the week was getting through Sunday.  Sunday was a pivotal day for me.  I woke in a pretty good mood but on Saturday I sold some of the furniture and coming out of my bedroom the reality of "things missing" hit pretty hard.  The house was so empty and it just really made me sad.  I thought some music therapy and deep cleaning would help divert my attention but it didn't, it just made it worst and I started crying.  I sat in the middle of what was my dinning room going through pictures and bawled my eyes out.  A friend called offering some encouragement and I cried even more, even harder, and more so because it was like I was "busted"...showed someone else my raw emotions and I'm not really one to do that. I'd rather cover it up with humor and deal privately with things but this person opened the conversation with "how are you doing? really" and I tried to give my pat answer "I'm ok!" and it came out like "sob sob sob I i i i i i am sob sob sob sob" and this friend just listened to me cry and there was healing in that that I can't explain.  Then, I got mad.  I hate hate hate hate hate crying. I hate it.  So I dried my tears and went for a walk and came home and tried to start a new normal.  I'm finding that the new normal is nothing like the old normal, I can't seem to sit still, I have to be moving and doing something and I'm thankful at the end of the day I can melt into my bed and just sleep.  Sort of.

Things I learned/dealt with this week:

1.  Goatheads are the spawn of Satan.  They really are.  I put a bucket of weed killer on them the other night.  I have a sprayer with a pump handle, you pour in your chemicals and add water to the fill line.  Well despite the memory of my mother having to go to the hospital with chemical induced pneumonia after cleaning the bathroom with bleach and ajax one time I let the old school thinking that more is better.  And I did what every new suddenly single person who hates lawn work did, I googled "goat head exterminator" and found all sorts of recipes.  Some involved diesel and fire....um, yea, me and fire? no way.  Some involved napam..seriously? can you get that at the lawn & garden center in Walmart? and then I found one that wouldn't be caustic nor require me to go anywhere to get the ingredients.  I had a little bit of roundup in a jug but was pretty sure it wasn't enough to do the job so I had to add to it, I took vinegar and dawn dish soap and added it to the roundup and water.  I hid behind the shed for about 10 minutes "practicing" because the goatheads are at the end of my driveway and I didn't want to look like an idiot in case anyone was watching.  So after I figured out how to use it I set to work and I mean I soaked those evil little puncture vines something serious.  The vinegar acts like a tracheotomy, opening up the pipes to let air and other things in, the dawn dish soap kills the waxy coating of the leaves breaking down the protective barrier and the roundup was fed into the trach pipe.  A couple of days of hot weather and those babies are not just merely dead they are most sincerely truly dead (and if I had a Mayor of Oz costume I could sell tickets because I sound just like him when I sing it).  So yesterday (Thursday) I went out and was going to try and get them up from the roots and clean up the patch at the end of the driveway.  Things were going ok, I had my tank top on to catch some rays, my cute garden gloves and set to work.  Here's a clue for you, even though plants are dead those damn stickers never stop stabbing you.  Note to self:  pick up some heavy duty leather gloves, the lady bug gloves are cute and work for ...um nothing, they're just cute.  Oh, and get one of those garden weasel things, my back is killing me from being all bent over pulling weeds this week.  I had no idea how many weeds we had until I became responsible for cleaning them up.

2.  Crabgrass.  I learned the crabgrass blocker pellets don't do any good unless you water really well and soak them down into the soil. If you don't do this they just lie on top of the grass and make me think of winter and that makes me think of the Christmas Village and that just streses me out.  So how did I learn this? well, I knew that you had to soak the pellets into the soil so after spraying the goat head and spreading the pellets I reset the sprinkler system to come then instead of the next night.  By this point it was starting to get dark and I went inside and made my dinner, took a shower and went to bed.  The next morning I have to admit I was a bit disappointed to see that the crabgrass and goat head vines were still green but was counting on the sunshine to kill them off during the day but I noticed that the pellets that I spread along the edge of the grass were still on the surface. That kind of made me mad because had I not fixed the sprinkler head that was watering the road all would have been well...which reminded me of getting locked out Saturday night...had Don not fixed the sliding glass door I could have wiggled it and got inside and nobody would have known but me that I was an idiot and locked myself out. Ah. Lessons. Gotta love lessons.  So that night when I got home I took the garden hose and soaked the bejezus out of the area where there were surface pellets...the goat heads are dead, the crabgrass? not so much.  I did learn though that if I were in Florida, I could sell it as sod so now I'm trying to find a warehouse in the Keys that will help me get rid of it and make me some money.  See? my brain just never stops.

3.  Stuff.  Stuff. Wow, did we have stuff.  I started going through the boxes of stuff we had in our 2 storage sheds and spare bedroom.  I found papers dating back to 1997 - nothing important mind you, stuff like taco bell receipts. Really?  So I sorted the "documents" from the crap that should have gotten tossed in 1997...bagged up the garbage and shredded most of the rest and filed what I didn't.  That cleared out practically one whole shed. Then I started gathering tools.  Really? How many sets of allyn wrenches do we really need? and tape measures?  crap, lets not find one of the 30,000 we already have lets just buy a new one.  Geez.  There are all sorts of things out there...I even have a can of stuff called "bgone" - it supposedly gets rid of tar and oils on cars, kills bugs, etc., but nowhere on there did I see directions for getting rid of either goat heads nor stuff.  Did I tell you I HATE goatheads? they're right up there running a close tie with Okra.  So I'd open one box, probably rolled my eyes and finally got to the point where I'd skim the surface and realize I haven't touched it in at least 4 years so there's no reason to keep it and just started chucking stuff.  And I was smart, I took empty boxes with lids and tossed stuff in those so that when I filled up a junk box I put the lid on it, put it out for the dump and didn't open it again...out of sight, out of mind and if given a chance I knew I'd somehow be able to justify keeping a broken music box that played over the rainbow but I didn't, I dug my heels in and got rid of it.  I bought my mom's truck from the estate when she died and it served us well for many years but it now has nearly 300,000 miles on it and it just sits in the driveway housing wasp nests and other assorted critters.  I knew it wouldn't take long to fill my garbage can so I opted to put the boxes and crap in the back of the truck and wait for my day off to be able to go to the dump.  Stuff that was usable but unneeded my me any longer that survived my yardsales went into a box and into the back of my car and I took it all to the Goodwill donation trailer at Walmart.  And, seriously I contemplated taking a cute little fisher price picnic table that someone had left but then decided against it because just my luck I'd get arrested for stealing them and I could just see the headlines in the paper and forced myself to leave it there and drive away.  So in 2 days, i managed to kill the goat heads, reset my sprinker system - oh yea, when i was watering the pellets I had to break the normal programming so the sprinklers would come on right then...well those sprinklers have been watering my grass every night instead of every other night and now I have to mow...again! gah it never ends. but the storage sheds are clean save a few boxes of Ashley stuff, some of Don's stuff and yes...Christmas decorations...coming soon to a driveway near you.

3.  Truck full of shi*.   So after all my cleaning I now had a truck full of boxes of crap and I had worked it out with Don to go to the dump today (Friday off) but we got in a fight and he told me to "have fun getting it all to the dump" so I thought "screw you, I will!" So I put an ad on Craigslist and found a guy to come out and load it up and haul it off.  But then I had 2 days in between the time I called him, he quoted me a price over the phone and the time he actually took it all away for me.  I had thoughts that plagued me like, what if he goes through all the boxes and sees what a horder I am or what if I missed some financial documents or what if...what if the skies suddenly opened up and you got stuck without an Ark...trust him, Karen, trust others till they give you a reason not to.  He showed up a day early because i asked him to, I just needed to stop looking at the boxes and fighting the urge to put it all back in the shed, after all it was my stuff and I like Stuff...no actually I don't.  He put me at ease right away, gave me his card, showed me his business license, was pretty good looking and treated me like an old friend. So I helped him load all the stuff into his trailer and did a little happy dance when he pulled out of the driveway headed to the dump.  Mission accomplished.  Misson accomplished with no help from anyone else but me, myself and I.  Great teamwork girls.

4. Bee stings.  SUCK!

5.  Blisters on your little toe.  SUCK!  I now remember why I don't ever wear those cute sandals I found under a pile of other shoes in the closet.

6.  Don't do yardwork in flip flops.

7.  There's a reason your mom used to get so mad at you for getting sunburned.  There's this stuff on the market called sunscreen, amazing stuff really, too bad I didn't have any and use it this week.  Sunburned shoulders and sunburned where cleavage should be (I don't have any, not even enough duct tape in the world will change that, I've accepted it and moved on? SUCK!

8, 9, 10 - The lawn needs to be mowed today.  I was going to do it this morning but I'm not.  I'm blogging and blogging wins every time no holds barred.  I'm doing something for me today...I'm splurging and getting my hair did - the whole package - haircut, color and highlights - can't wait, thinking I'm gonna shake it up a bit and go blonde with some crazy color highlight - purple maybe? just kidding, my goal is to cover the gray and fix what turned out to be the worst haircut in my life.  Lessons learned here, if the hair looks good the rest falls into place, wait for your hairdresser, don't ever cut your hair yourself (that one was actually learned a long time ago when I used to drink Tequilla!) which I managed not to do but I didn't wait for my hairdresser to be able to get me in, I caved and went to one of those walkin places..never again.  

The best part of this week was pulling into my driveway and being able to see the changes I've made through purging and digging in and just getting it done. It was time.  It feels good. It's done.  I now have 1 completely empty storage shed, 1 almost empty storage shed, 1 completely empty guest room and 1 almost empty guest room and there's still toilet paper in both bathrooms and there's still no pee on the toilet seat, floors or wall.  I'll never ever figure that one out.

Yea, it's been a good week.  My plan for the weekend is to get my hair did, enjoy mowing my lawn, planting some flowers and going to a party at the Pub...alone.  HUGE step but one I'm warming up to.

Can't wait till Sunday to find out how that turned out.

hmmm....no funny title...hmmm...

Today was a day of "cleansing" I guess you could call it.  I purged a lot of things, heart things, head things, gut things, it was pretty exhausting to be honest. I know you all love it when I fart sunshine but today's not one of those days.   Some days are good and some days are bad and today was a really bad day. 

But....I'm ok. 

Thanks to my family and friends that took time to talk to me and listen to me and give me some great feedback I know that I can get through this.   It's all part of the process, unfortunately this isn't my 1st rodeo but this one really hurts, it's been gut wrenching few days as the reality of it has hit me and I'm doing my best to work through it.  We were a family and my children love him and he loves them and never wanted anything but the best for both of them. He's very proud of them and I hope they both know that.  He's a good dad.  He deserves their love and I hope that they will continue to have a relationship with him because what happens between him and I is just that, it's between him and I.  I hope they can find common ground without me as the common demoninator and I hope that Gabe and Kaden are able to grow up knowing him as their papa because he will be forever their papa.  If word of this particular blog gets back to you, Don, I hope you realize that Michael and Ashley are really gifts to you, not from me, but from God and I hope that you can see past me to realize that they love you and you are very much a part of their lives.

Heading to bed early tonight, lots of tears fell today and my eyes feel like sandpaper.  Can't believe I'm going to say this but I'm glad tomorrow is Monday and I get to go to work, a welcomed distraction.

I hope you all have a great week!  I'm going to focus on getting back to good eating and working out this week.   I dug out my workout DVD's and jump rope and aerobic step and hand weights...craving it, can't wait for it...there's just something awesome about kicking your own as* while getting all sweaty and I need it.

Entertaining the Neighborhood

So, out of sheer boredom I had to get out of the house this evening so I decided to go to Target and walk around. I know the thrills of being single are just about too much on a Saturday night.

The minute I shut the door I literally said, "Sto...damnit Karen" it was too late...I had locked the door and my keys were still hanging on the hook near the door.  I panicked for a minute and then thought, "hidden key" and then my panicked picked up the pace a little bit when I went to the spot where the hidden key was and it was gone!  So I fought to remain calm and went and checked the sliding back door because we used to be able to wiggle it and get it to unlock, no such luck.  I checked the windows I knew I had opened earlier and yep, responsible ol me locked them.  I broke down and called Don to find out if he moved the key and of course he said, there is no hidden key, we gave it to my parents when they were here.  CRAP.  He of course gallantly offered to leave the ROLLER DERBY (ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME????? - glad I gave him some money to buy gas to go to his interview Monday...enjoy the beer on me as*hole!) to come let me in which was a good reminder he still has a house key (note to self, get the key back!).  And instead of giving him the pleasure of coming to my rescue I kept checking windows and found one that was unlocked. 

YES!  So then the next problem was how to get IN the window...the bottom of the window comes to the top of my shoulder, now, I have long legs but not that long.  So I think, ah the ladder...ah dumbass the ladders in the LOCKED shed and where are the keys? Oh, yea, that's right, next to your house keys on the hook...the one you have to pass as you walk out the door...

So I start looking around and I found some cedar blocks that were stacked up next to the shed, I thought if I can stack a few of these up I can climb up and maybe get my leg in.....So I start piling up these blocks ...3 of them should do, that put the bottom of the window about belly button height right, easy to lift my leg and climb in.  One foot up and then the other and then I realize that my boat size feet are as wide as the block is long and there's no way I can balance on one foot and get my foot in without falling on my ass.  I could literally see me getting my foot stuck in the window, loosing my balance and hanging there until the cops drove by sometime in the next few days.   So I rethunk my Maguyver plan and lowered the bricks to single layer which now puts the bottom of the window to boob height.  Somehow though I managed to get my leg up into the window, grabbed the wall side of the window and pulled with all my might and before I knew it I was straddling the window sill and realized there was about 3 ft of boxes piled under the window and next to that a big box of family picutures, Don's hockey gear bag, my roller skates (so sad about derby :( ) and at this point, I didn't care...all I cared about was that this window is right out in the open and someone was surely watching this and having a great laugh.  So I kicked all that crap with my foot, knocked boxes everywhere, picture frames were broken, not a pretty sight but I'm now in the house precariously teetering on a plastic tote that all my Christmas village trees are in...I would rather break my head open hanging out the window waiting for the cops than to step on my trees!  So I sat on the window sill and flung my body over the boxes and actually landed on my feet, slammed my hand into the wall and laughed because it was almost like being a derby girl!

Locked the window, grabbed the extra key and hid it when I got home...dusted off my pants, grabbed my keys, put the blocks away, busted the screen trying to get it back in....who knew a hand-held garden shovel would not work in the same manner a screwdriver would? and then i sat in my car and bawled my eyes out!  there was no way I was going to let anyone see me go back in the house defeated so I put on my sunglasses and drove off into the sunset....and now I'm waiting for the sun to set so I can just go to bed already!

In flight

I did it!  I got the whole lawn mowed...front and back...so glad we got that new mower a few months ago and it's in MY shed haha.  I'd been kind of procrastinating on mowing the lawn, it's such a chore, this yard really does suck.  The front yard isn't too aweful bad and for the most part it's pretty flat..the backyard however pretty much sucks, there's all sorts of REALLY BIG DIVITS (no idea how to spell that so pronouce it like it looks and you'll get it) all over the place from my crazy dogs who loved to dig.  Seriously I was feeling like I was in grassy sand dunes, up and down and watch out for that hole and tip it sideways to get the grass inside the hole and then I realized that there was this lever on the mower....

I thought to myself, "Self...wonder what that is for?"
then i said, "I don't know Self, what do you think it's for?"
then I said, "I have no idea but if I pull it, it could be bad"
then I said, "But it's not red, it's not tagged with "don't pull the lever" signs..I think it could be ok to pull it.
then I said, "hmmmm" and no soon had I said than myself grabbed that lever and pulled it up against the push bar.
then all I could say was "Abrafrickincadabra!" because that was the magic lever that added a turbo boost to the lawn mower and it was all I could do to just keep ahold of it".  Awesome I thought to myself, this makes it soooo much easier....and it would have....if I hadn't kept forgetting it was there.  I'd push with all my might and then I'd remmber it and I'd grab it and then I'd be flying behind it again.  

As I'm mowing once I got it under control...do you know what it reminded me of?  Ever see a rookie janitor try to polish floors with one of those big...um, what do you call its?... waxer...the industrial kind with the big disc on the bottom? I know there was a movie one time that had a guy using one and it was so powerful he finally just climed on top of it...well that was kind of like me only I didn't climb on top of it. Superman jump in motocross comes to mind, holding on to the handlebars for dear life and your body is perpendicular to the bike?  ....there I go digressing again...I was walking along behind it thankful for the exercise it was providing me and thinking....of ways....that I cooouuuld modify, yea modify, it so I could ride it.   Remember the spaceship toy at Memorial Park in Pasco?  yea, I can so see me welding something up to simulate that...now, that would be making for some fun lawn mowing and if I did it right I could load it up and take it to Benton City for the lawn mower races.  THAT would be cool.  I might not be able to skate Roller Derby but by golly I CAN MOW THE LAWN!

I'll tell you what's not cool.  What's not cool is having to dump the friggin bag.  UGH!  And of course,  I had to mow the lawn on a windy day....and it only took one mouth full of grass to figure out that I should have been on the other side of the garbage can.

What's not cool is that my shoes are now green but my family will be happy to know that because of this I will no longer where my gold'ish Nikes with the pink swoosh (yes really!) in public again.

But it's all good.  It's all done.  And now I get to enjoy my weekend.  I love the smell of fresh cut grass and I was smart enough to shut the bedroom window before i started so I can open it tonight, enjoy the smell and not have to sleep with the clippings.  Tomorrow? tomorrow I'm going to conquer my fear of this stupid Kirby that my husband JUST had to have...I already know about the turbo boost thing on it but I've not yet used it to shampoo anything....too bad I don't have my dogs, I'm sure they'd love it.



See?  I might be new to this but I'm gettin there.....

What's different

Lots of changes over the last couple of weeks.  Here's a list of things that I notice are different:

1.  I can start my day by turning on the bedroom light and not worry about waking someone up or stepping on a dog (or 2).  I like the light part, I miss the dog part.

2.  I can get up in the middle of the night and get a drink of water and not have a dog trailing behind me hoping for a "cookie" or having to wait for said dog to her business so i can go back to bed.  I miss the dog part.  I'd give anything to have Lucy get up with me and head outside, hear her bark at nothing (because that's what she does.  We used to joke when we'd hear her barking that it must be windy out lol cause she'd bark at the wind...if she wasn't hiding under the table, she hates the wind.)

3.  I don't have any dogs.  I miss them terribly. I haven't seen them since Don moved out.  He took them (and his clothes) when I was gone and I came home to an empty house.  I miss their companionship.  There's some special about our pets don't you think? Yes, they drive us crazy at times and are totally dependent on us but geez the return investment is more than I can put into words.  I miss Katie's nudge in the morning telling me that it's time to get up...before the alarm....almost every day...no matter what.  I miss pulling in the driveway and seeing them in the backyard and coming into the house and having Lucy "dance" to greet me and Katie singing me a song. Katie sings, she really does and she says "I love you" too.  But not to me.  Not anymore and this makes my heart hurt.

4.  I have lots of closet and drawer space.  I can actually open a drawer and not have to force it open or closed again.  I can see all my shoes instead of having to move them off the ones I want each pair is easily grabbed.  This makes me happy.

5.  All my socks match.  Sure hope that doesn't last long because it's almost un-American you know?  This makes me concerned...I mean really, how can that be?

6. I haven't gone grocery shopping in about 3 weeks, I had to break down and by a loaf of bread today because when i was making me a sandwich for lunch I discovered the bread I had was moldy.  That made me gag.

7.  I don't have to cook dinner.  This part was cool at first but after 2 weeks I'm starting to get hungry. 

8.  I've only had to do 2 loads of laundry in 2 weeks...prior to his departure I was doing 2-3 loads a week.

9.  My favorite cup is always clean...because I wash dishes before i go to bed.  I'm starting to think I could get away with giving all the dishes away except for a saute pan, a sauce pan, my solid and slotted black spoons, a spatula, a knife/fork/spoon, 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 glass and my coffee cup.  Seriously.  That's all I've dirted up in 2 weeks. 

10.  There's toilet paper in both bathrooms and no pee on seat, floor, or anywhere else.  I don't get that, seriously, you have a hole to aim it out of, you have a big toilet bowl to aim it into, what the hell do men DO in the bathroom???  I just don't get it.  This makes me happy.

11.  I cut the services from Dish Network down to the bare minimum and am kind of thinking of just canceling it all together, I rarely watch TV and could totally do without. It is kind of nice to have some background noise though because there's been a few times that the silence has been deafening.  This makes me more determined.  Determined to focus on me that is.

12.  The garbage output has decreased tremendously. Last night I emptied boxes just so i could fill the bag and take the garbage out. Ok, not really.

13.  I've discovered that I kind of lke yardwork.  I mowed the front lawn tonight and it felt so good to do it and to sit on the porch when I was done mowing and cleaning up and I like the feeling of accomplishment I got from it. However, if any of my adoring fans would like to volunteer to come mow for me, please do not let this self-satisfaction I'm bragging about deter you...lol.

14.  I am living alone. Completely alone.  and I'm pretty sure I like it.  A lot.

15.  My money is my own.  Nuff said.

16.  I can take up the whole bed and I have covers in the morning when I wake up. Nobody is stealing my pillow, nobody is snoring and if I do? I won't tell anyone or wake anyone up. 

17.  I can talk on the phone, with hockey on, and not piss anyone off or have to go in the other room because i'm on the phone.  Ok, I lied...hockey has NOT been on.  lol

18.  I can come and go when I please.  He used to get pissy if I went anywhere after or wasn't home before about 8pm, I went for a drive tonight and didn't get home until after 9pm...oooohh the shame.

19.  I can say things to myself that I couldn't say before. May have to blog about that sometime, it's too deep for a list.

20.  I don't have to answer to anyone but me (and my boss for only for a limited time each day).

Am I lonely? Maybe a little bit but I'm leaning toward it not so much being lonely as it is kind of bored. 

Am I sad.  Only about missing my dogs.

Am I ok?  all signs are pointing to yes.

Oh no....

So I'm sitting outside this evening talking on the phone and I looked down and there was this HUGE spider crawling towards me.

A.  I have this intense hate for spiders and I owe it to my brothers who used to tell me that if you kill them their cousins will come up your bathtub drain and bite you.

B.  I figured out a long time ago A is false.

C.  I still hate them.

So, without really thinking I did what every red blooded woman would do who doesn't have a man there to do it for her....no I didn't scream, I hate them but I'm not afraid of them....I lifted my foot and squashed her dead.  It was pretty gross actually because not only could I feel her squish under my foot I heard it.

And then, I realize she wasn't alone....she was carrying a family of little tiny period size (period as in punctuation thank you lol) baby spiders.  She was not just merely dead she was most sincerely truely dead and all these little babies just went EVERYWHERE ....I did what every good samaritan would do...I KILLED THEM TOO! 

Big spot is the mamma and the little spots were all the babies!

So here I am with my bluetooth in and talking on the phone to the people who bought my XBox 360 and I'm dancin around stoppin on maniac baby spiders, I'm sure the neighbors are gonna be talking...and I can only imagine what the guy on the phone was thinking because I'm pretty sure the excitement came across in my voice.

So this guy comes over with his wife and 2 little kids and the kids were so sweet, so well mannered and so very excited to be getting an Xbox!  It really made me feel good that they were the ones buying it and not some scummy person who wouldn't really appreciate it.

I realized when they left my tummy was growling so i thought I'd run up to Albertsons and get some single serving salads to have for dinner and some for lunches and as I was driving down Stevens there it was....the old Tastee Freeze that's been a handful of different things since then and it's now called "Bombers."  Conjured up memories of my own days at tastee freeze (worked there during high school) and when we were growing up my dad knew the owners (and I'll be danged if I can remember their names - 2 old ladies) and we'd go there for ice cream and we're not talking the chintzy little ice creams they call cones these days we're talking 8 inches of piled high soft I-scream (another funny story I'll save) on cones big enough a family of 4 could move in, and we called it "The Lady" because when we wanted I-scream we'd say "hey Dad can we go to the lady?" and he'd know exactly what we wanted and he'd pretend to be going somewhere else and turn in at the last minute..bet you love it when I go off on a tangent huh? ...and suddenly the desire to eat a big fat juicy burger took control and I found myself in the drive through ordering a combo meal...add some extra protein and you could have some onion rings I convinced myself so I asked for bacon!  Dude, it was seriously THE BEST burger EVER!  I realized as I was sitting here scarfing it down with fry sauce dripping down my chin that it's been awhile since I've really eaten anything of substance and I "allowed" myself the pleasure of every single bite.

And now, I have to sign off and go plug the bathtub drain so to you my sentimental friends, remember a heart is not judged by how by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others and I love you very very much. Thanks for your support! It means the world to me.

Mystery Meat

Conjurs up some scary images doesn't it?  I may never cook again LOL.

I started cleaning the house again yesterday just because i'm digging having it *really* clean (and I don't really have a life ....yet :) ) and it started out by cleaning out the freezer - when I sold the deep freeze, I cramed everything from there into the small freezer in my fridge that I could possibly fit and I've figured out the real reason behind cheerios for dinner several times this last week...when I open the freezer to pull out a chicken breast or fish or something I'm just totally overwhelmed because there is just so much stuff in there and I can't really see what's there so I started by pulling everything out and rearranging it all by food type..veggies, frozen fruit, meats, etc. I decided to go ahead and take a couple of chicken breasts out to defrost in the fridge so I'd have them the next couple of nights and when I opened the refrigerator door I was hit with this....smell...I mean it was a nasty smell...like perhaps a squirell died in there and brought his 3 cousins that also died.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the heck it was because i had totally cleaned the fridge out before my in-laws came to visit and we didn't really have leftovers while they were here...so I carefully start taking stuff out because really? it would have totally freaked me out if a dead squirell's head popped out of something...and it would have REALLY totally freaked me out if a live squirell just jumped out.  really it would have.  I cleaned all the shelves and in the corner on the bottom shelf was a....duntduhduh...bowl that I didn't recognize.   I slowly and methodically pull it out so as to not upset the unknown contents, and remembering all the safety trainings I've ever had I knew better than to just open the stupid thing so I opened the corner (square tupperware bowl) farthest from my face and let me tell you, it took less than a blink of an eye before I slammed that sucker shut and ran for the back door - one to stop the smell from spreading anymore and 2 if I threw up I sure didn't want to do it on the kitchen floor.  Yes, it was that bad.  I get it to the outside dumpster and still had my lunch in my tummy and thought I'd quickly open the bowl knock the contents out and slam the dumpster lid and I'd be good to go...but...what I didn't count on was whatever was inside of the bowl...which I've dubbed mystery meatcake, (is it meat? is it cake? - yea, right, leftover cake at my house, not gonna happen in a million years! LOL) would stick to the bowl, and not only was it stuck to the bowl it was ...can't believe I'm going to admit this....hairy.  Bwahahaha, I just tossed the damned bowl in the dumpster and walked away.

No wonder I can't ever find any of my dishes.

Sprinklers, things that go bump in the night, and empty drawers.

The title of this post came in no particular order of importance but kind of summarizes this week.  The first week that I've ever lived alone - well except when I was in Moses Lake on contract a while back but that didn't count because I actually still lived with my husband.  This is really and truly the first time I've ever been alone.  Does it scare me? hmmm, no not really it intrigues me more than anything to be honest.  What happens if I don't like myself and my own company is my only real fear haha.  That could suck but at least I'd win the shut up and leave me alone argument :)

My week started by coming home after the final "disagreement" to find that my husband had made the choice to leave our home.  He cleaned out his drawers and the closet and too a few personal belongings.  It didn't take me long to figure out what had happened because one of the first things I noticed missing was his grandfather's antique clock.  Then I started looking around and discovered the empty drawers, void of his socks and underwear and clothing.  Is it bad that I immediately thought of what I could fill those with?  I'm sorry, some people are just not going to understand this, yes, my marriage just ended but the reality is it's been over for a long time and quite frankly, I don't have to explain this to you, but I will.  I was ready for this to happen.  I was prepared for it to happen.  Am I glad it happened? well, not necessarily but honestly it's like a huge rock was lifted off my head and in some weird way, it's just been a relief. 

So anyway, the drawers were empty, his half of the closet was nearly empty and I promise it is entirely empty now, well except my stuff that moved over there. 

I noticed the lawn was starting to show some dry patches so I figured out the sprinkler program thingy and thought I had set them to go on at 4:00 with intention of be able to watch them to make sure they were all popping up right and doing their thing right.  Well, I did set them to come on 4:00 only it was 4:00 AM not PM as I had originally intended.  But not to worry because when Zone 3 kicked in the water was hitting the side of the house that my bedroom is on and I could hear this ...not sure how to describe it, it wasn't like a thump or anything but it was a noise out of the norm and as I woke up in my groggy state I was searching my brain trying to figure out what could make that noise and it dawned on me that it was the sprinklers, which really kind of ticked me off until I realized it was my fault.  My fault, not someone else's but my very own fault.  There's something empowering about that, there really is and I can't explain it.  So realizing it was the sprinklers and knowing I was not going back to sleep, I got up and got dressed and went out to watch them. I noticed as I headed out the front door that the road was wet which meant a sprinkler was off and it was probably the evil waiting to go to prison child that lives in the house behind mines fault because he catches the bus in front of my house for school and if I've told him I told him a 1000 times not to walk in my yard!  well later I discovered the sprinkler was working fine it just had been set for turbo spray distance so I managed to adjust that with my handy sprinkler tool...who knew right? and got it set to hit just the grass and not the street.  Educational opportunities are going to be plentiful around here in the future I'm sure. Yay.  So anyway, the sprinklers are working fine, they're set to start at 4am in the back yard and by the time they hit my bedroom I'll be up anyway and getting ready to head out the door for work.  I was really glad things that went bump in the night were just streams of water hitting the house...I'm not afraid of water and honestly I'm not really afraid of anything. I thought sleeping by myself would be a challenge but I've found that if I stay active enough during the day I don't have any problem sleeping at night.  And if it were to have been something bigger, like say a robber, well, not much I could have done about it and whatever would happen would happen regardless of what I did or didn't do right? right.

Food and eating have been somewhat of  a challenge for me this week.  First of all the week before Don left his parents had come to visit us and I'd made a slew of freezer meals to make the whole dinner thing flow more smooth.  Some really great dishes were in the freezer and while I thought about what I was going to have during the day it kept hitting me that those dishes were prepared in servings of 8-10 and there was no way I'd eat that much in leftovers so I'd leave whatever it was that sounded good that day in the freezer and end up having things like cheerios, popcorn, and one night as much as i hate to admit it I actually had chocolate ice cream for dinner.  I sold our deep freeze (conveniently to Don's sister and her husband and I just sent those pans of mondo dinners home with them) and wasn't about to give up my ice cream but also didn't have room in the fridge freezer so one to not waste anything (grin) I dished it up and ate it for dinner.  It wasn't very sustaining but it was just delicious and since I hadn't really eaten anything all day it fit well within my daily calorie counts.  (Seriously? I can justify just about anything in life if I set my mind to it! LOL).  One night I did have subway so there's a good meal right?  I liked that I wasn't having to rush home and cook dinner and get everything done so i could have some me time...popcorn and cheerios and ice cream for dinner?  Tell me anything in this world that says "ALL ABOUT ME" louder than that will ya?  So this week I'm focusing on how to cook for one. Some say it's a lonely number but really its not yet proven to be true for me.  The single chicken breast I took out for dinner looked a little lonely this afternoon but no worries, his friends steamed broccoli and squash will keep him company.  I'm still enjoying the heck out of my healthy chocolate shakes for breakfast and while I  had quit consuming them at lunch for awhile I did implement that meal back into my day because I found without it I was craving crap like chips (chocolate ice cream is not crap so don't go there) and cookies and rolls slathered in butter and I've been able to get rid of those cravings and I've lost 6 pounds this week...must be the fiber from the whole grain cheerios lol.

So that kind of wraps up my week.  I'm looking forward to seeing what this next one has in store.   Feels good to blog again.  In case you're wondering, I closed my last blog because I was finding that I was using it as a self - controlled sounding board, I was just sitting down in front of this computer and just simply typing anything and everything and looking back on those posts I realized that's not where I want to be.  I don't want to be wallowing in the negative because life is about choices and choices have been made this last week that allow me to chose to focus on the positives and if there are negatives involved? they're my negatives and nobody else's...there goes that empowering thing again.

Have a great week everyone and thanks for reading.    Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of "cooking for one" and leaving dishes in the dishwasher for a week before washing them because it took me that long to fill it up. 

taaataaa!

Filling in the blanks.

Since most of my "readers" are friends on facebook, I'm addressing this primarily to you.  However there are some family members that also read my blog and this is just my attempt to fill in the blanks on some recent changes in my life.

First I want to say thank you to those who have stood by me these last few months (some years) as I've worked to discover what I'm really all about and who I am and what I need in life and as I've gone through the transition to where I am today because without you all I'd still be stuck where I was stuck for a very long time now.

My husband and I have separated and my plan is to eventually file for a divorce.  This has been a long time coming and we finally came to the moment in time that will forever change the directions our lives will take.  We hit the moment when our desires to be whole apart overcame our misery to be halves together.  I'm not going to bad mouth my husband because we were both equally responsible for the demise of this marriage and we're both equally responsible to our own selves.  So that being said....I need people to understand that the last few months have painfully difficult in all realms of life.  Spiritual struggles, emotional struggles, financial struggles, every day struggles, and I have to just be honest and say that I knew this day was coming and because of that I've been able to work through a lot of doubts and fears that you find yourself experiencing when you hit the point of divorce.  I've found peace with this and I believe if my husband is honest with you (and himself) he would say the same thing.  It's like I was watching the death of a loved one and I'm not referring to him as that loved one but that of our marriage.  There was so much hope, so many dreams, so many many good times these last 15 years but at some point those hopes and dreams faded and slipped through our fingers and the good times really weren't that great for the most part but they were that were and they were what we had to hold onto.  I've done the mourning of the "what could have beens," I've found a strength inside of me that I never knew existed and as stupid and cliche as it might sound we simply quit growing as a couple.  Our goals changed, our dreams changed, our inner hearts and cores changed and there was little to no common ground left so instead of continuing to live this miserable life that we developed we are both moving on and seeking new opportunities.

I wish my husband nothing but the best in his life.  I really do.  I have no ill feelings towards him.  I'm not bitter or angry or confused or even really sad.  I'm ok. I really am ok.  And do me a favor.  If you have any questions or comments about this situation please ask me, please don't speculate and please don't go into any sort of hate campaign on my behalf or even on his because it's not necessary.